The greener side....

Broken spirit. I find myself contemplating several thoughts a day that always come to me. This seems to always come back to one final thought of, Am I doing what is right for my daughter and for myself? I sidetrack myself with several thoughts everyday, trying to keep myself busy and not dwelling so much on the problems that lie before me. Lets face it, the last 8 months have been a whirlwind of ache, depression and sometimes huge blows to my capabilities of being a mother. I tend to criticize myself to the point of exhaustion and then find it hard to have faith and belief that what I am doing is the right choice.

It's so easy to say that I can forgive someone for the things that they have put me through. Lets face it, love is not only a beautiful and warming experience, but it can also be cruel and leave you face down in puddle of fear. I find that i do forgive easily, I can't forget the things that have been said and done. On that same note though, I am also the one that tends to put bad memories into an airtight box and seal them away. I forget at times the trials and errors that have been placed on me, I tend not to deal with the situation and I, at the time, think that it makes it easier on me but in reality, we all know, it just makes it that much more difficult to deal with in the end. I'm slowly starting to learn who I am as a person or even as a mother at this point. I feel that as my duty as a mother, it is nothing but my job to protect her from everything, even if that everything may include her own family. This brings me back to my point of me being able to forgive someone for the things that they put me through, but as soon as that someone does something to my daughter, than I don't forgive and I don't at all forget. It's amazing the love and the strength that one finds in themselves when it comes to that love for a child.

I come to believe that it would be easy for me to just to look at everything and let bygones be bygones as they say. Just say yes, people make mistakes and I forgive you for everything and now we can move on with our separate lives. I think in my own way, I made an offer that clearly stated this, but I was hastily turned down, and why? Out of their own demise and anger towards me, for something that they did wrong, they shot down my offer and decided to make things even more painful, drawn out and publicly humiliating. Why in the world would you want to make a difficult situation even more difficult? This is where I come to the so called greener side. I see it both ways, should I just swallow everything that has happened and back out knowing that it would be easier on my daughter at this very moment? Should I continue to fight for everything that is going on and know that in the long run, she will be better off with what I think is best for her, have faith in myself that I do know what is best for her. How many more stab wounds can I let leave bleeding and be re opened one after another before I take a fall myself? All I want to know is if it really was that much greener on the other side, was it really worth it all? No. No it wasn't. On that aspect, after everything that I have been through and that I am currently going through I see where the other party stands and it makes me laugh. Here I am everyday getting a little stronger, wiser and much more passionate as I see the weakness pooring out of the other party. Of course there are days where I feel like there isn't much more that I can take. I will look into my daughters beautiful eyes and see nothing but innocence and thus makes me want to protect her from some of the harsh reality's of this world and that is when, the fight comes back into me. That's when I want to look them in the eye and say, you had something amazing and it wasn't until you ventured to the other side, burned your bridges along the way, that you realized what you had all along.